THE INVISIBLE PAIN
- Ana Martin
- Sep 18
- 5 min read
I was recently reading about how people experience difficulties in life, and it made me reflect on something that has always fascinated me — how the very same event can affect two people in completely different ways.
We often hear about resilience as if it were a badge of honour — the idea that some people can go through the worst hardships and seem untouched, while others are deeply affected by something that, from the outside, might look “small.”
I have always felt that this comparison was unfair, even a little judgmental. It suggests that those who struggle to recover are somehow weaker. But when I came across the idea of having “a safe place to fall,” everything clicked into place.
This is what I now call the invisible pain — the unseen disadvantage that quietly shapes our ability to cope.
Why the Same Event Hurts People Differently
Imagine this:
A teenage girl gets dumped by her first boyfriend. Everyone agrees that first heartbreak is painful, but it is usually not considered “traumatic.” For some, it will just be a sad chapter, for others, it becomes a defining wound.
Here’s why.
Scenario 1: Supported and Seen
The first girl grew up in a loving, supportive family. When she comes home crying, her parents comfort her. They sit with her, eat ice cream together, explain that heartbreak is part of life, remind her that she is still deeply loved.
She feels sad, yes — but she also feels safe, valued, and worthy. When the pain fades, this heartbreak becomes just a memory, not a scar.
Scenario 2: Shamed and Silenced
The second girl has a very different home life. When she comes home crying, her mother dismisses her feelings, shames her for dating someone who “wasn’t good enough,” maybe even says:
“I told you he didn’t like you.”
“You’re too dramatic. Stop crying.”
“Next time, choose better — most men will leave you anyway.”
Instead of comfort, she receives blame, criticism, or emotional neglect. The heartbreak no longer feels like just losing a boyfriend — it feels like confirmation that she is unlovable.
The Playground Metaphor
Think of two children playing in the playground.
Falling is part of the game — every child will fall eventually.But one child falls on soft sand, while the other falls on concrete.
The first child can get up, brush themselves off, and keep playing. They might fall ten times, but the soft ground cushions them each time, so they stay confident and keep running.
The second child only needs to fall once for it to hurt so badly that they can barely stand, let alone keep playing.
The most unfair part? To everyone else, the ground is invisible. No one sees that this child fell on concrete. They simply expect them to get up and keep running like everyone else — and when they cannot, they are labelled “weak” or “too sensitive.”
This is what happens emotionally.
Some of us had a soft landing: support, comfort, reassurance.
Some of us had concrete: criticism, silence, or even hostility.
"The main wound is not from the fall. It is from the absence of something soft to catch us".
Hurt + Support = Healing
Hurt + Toxicity = Trauma
This is the invisible disadvantage no one talks about.
The person with no “soft place to fall” often does not realise they are at a disadvantage. They compare themselves to friends who seem to move on easily and wonder, What’s wrong with me? Am I weak? Am I broken?
Over time, they may start to see themselves as less valuable. They accept poor treatment in relationships, keep quiet about their needs, and hide their unhappiness — after all, no one ever seemed to care when they were younger.
Finding Your Starting Point
This is why awareness is so important.
"You can't find the path to your destination if you don't know where you are".
Think about using Google Maps: if you put in your destination but leave your starting point blank — or worse, put in the wrong starting point — you will not get reliable directions.
The issue is not that you cannot get there.The issue is that you have no accurate path to follow.
Once you know exactly where you are, you can plan the right route.
If you are lost, recognising it is the first step to finding the way.
If you lack support, you can seek it out.
If you lack skills for healthier relationships, you can learn them.
Everyday Examples of Invisible Pain
This dynamic shows up everywhere:
Breakups: One person has a circle of friends who rally around them, bring food, remind them they are lovable — they heal. Another person has no one to turn to, so they quietly blame themselves and carry the wound for years.
Workplace setbacks: Two employees are let go. One has savings, family support, and encouragement — they see it as a chance to grow. The other is shamed at home, told they “never succeed,” and develops deep anxiety about working again.
School struggles: Two students fail a test. One is reassured by a parent who helps them study and reminds them it is not the end of the world. The other is yelled at, compared to siblings, and told they are a disappointment — they grow up believing they are “not smart enough.”
Friendship conflicts: One person talks it through with someone who listens — the conflict becomes a learning experience. Another is told, “Stop being so dramatic,” and learns to swallow their hurt, feeling unsafe in all friendships.
The same “fall,” but completely different outcomes depending on whether there is soft sand or hard concrete beneath them.
The Courage to See Clearly
Telling yourself “it’s not that bad” or “they didn’t mean it” keeps you stuck.
When you accept that your upbringing may have left emotional wounds, yes, you will grieve.
You may even feel anger or sadness about what you needed but did not receive.
But this is also your turning point.
It is the moment you stop recreating the same painful patterns just to protect the image of a family that hurt you. It is the moment you stop blaming yourself for how you feel and start building the life you actually want.
Building a New Future
Many people born into poverty become millionaires — not because it was easy, but because they recognised where they were and took action.
In the same way, you can be born into an emotionally unsafe environment and still create the most beautiful, loving life.
The key is awareness.
Once you see the invisible pain, you can begin the process of healing it — and you will discover that the resilience you once doubted you had was inside you all along.
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